becoming an intuitive eater

They say that the best way to reach your goal is by telling other people.  So, after sitting on this post overnight, pondering over what I should write, I have decided to share my goal with you.  My goal for the next forevers is to make and eat less sweets and breads.  Over the past few months I have made and consumed an outrageous amount of sweets, breads, brownies, and cookies.  Sweet Potato Brownies, CinnaBOMB cookies, Melted Cinnamon Chip Cookies, Coconut GROWnola bars, store-bought scones…you name it.

Not only have I been making them but I have been eating them.  Too much of them.  Last year, I would not have been a problem with over eating the sweets I made because I had the will power of a donkey.  (That’s a pretty strong will power, in case you’re wondering.)  I was underweight and had a distorted, overly strict attitude towards food.  There were foods I considered off limites and I avoided them at all costs.  Sweets, meals prepared in stores, restaurant food, and sweet breads were all on my “bad” list.  It was sometime around May when I  snapped out of this funk.  It was literally an overnight epiphany when I gave myself permission to eat those off-limit foods.  I was so tired of restricting and not being able to bake and cook everything I wanted for fear it was “unhealthy.”  I allowed myself to eat a brownie.  I recognized that the world would not come crashing in if I ate three cookies in one sitting!

Since that switch to a better attitude towards food, I have started making more sweets.

When you have restricted sweets from your diet as long as I have, you have a hard time saying “NO” when you finally allow yourself to have some.  Therein lies the problem.  For three years I have not allowed myself to have the food that I truly desire…like the scones my mom and sister buy from the supermarket weekly, or the Texas Brownies my mom makes that have the fudge icing, or even something as simple as pancakes from Cracker barrel.  These foods were off-limits.  For three years!

Now that I have given myself permission to eat these once off-limit foods, I find myself eating a bit too much when I am in the environment of these foods.  It don’t just eat one scone.  I eat a two, or three, or more.  One slice of Cranberry Orange Bread is not enough.  I want another one.  Maybe just one more after that.   Because, hell, how long have I been craving these foods but NOT eating them?!  Oh that’s right.  Three years!

So, for the past few months, I have been working on developing a better relationship with food.  One where I can stop when I am comfortably satisfied rather that full and sick.  Yes, I’ve been there many times over the past few months and it is not fun.  I am working harder at listening to my hunger and fullness cues, something I didn’t have to do when I was gaining weight because I had to eat so much.  (When I was gaining weight, I had to eat when I wasn’t hungry because I wasn’t hungry.  This disabled my ability to truly recognize my hunger and fullness cues.)  If I want to eat something and am not hungry, I try to figure out why I want to eat.  Is it stress?  Boredom?   Do I just have the nibbles?  The book Intuitive Eating has been a great help as work through these difficulties.  It talks about how to break the cycle of dieting, which in essence was what I did to get to my underweight state.  It describes how you can create a better relationship with food, one where you allow yourself unconditional permission to eat any food, and stop eating when you’re satisfied.  Intuitive eating.

I am still working on these eating struggles.  All too often I have my moments when I eat too much of something and find myself regretting each bite because I lacked the self-restraint to stop.  But I am making progress.

Which brings me back to my goal…to make and eat less sweets.  When I make all these sweet breads and desserts, I am putting myself in an environment to fail.  I am surrounded by all the foods I have once restricted and am likely to overeat.  Until I can stop when I’m satisfied, I do not need to be surrounding myself with these foods.   Instead, I will be making more well-rounded dinners.  Meals that are a little healthier and nutritious than, say, cheesy bread and granola bars and cookies.  Meals that I won’t binge on.

I had never planned on sharing these struggles with you.  They are embarrassing, especially for something who was so strong-willed a year ago.  But keeping these things bottled will not help.  I want to improve and will improve, but I needed to be truthful.  This is also the reason I only post every once in a blue moon- because sometimes I’m so frustrated and uncomfortable with myself I can’t fathom faking that everything’s A-OK.  Because it’s not.

But I don’t want to end on such a negative note, because negativity and frustration won’t make things any better or help me become a more intuitive eater.  The only way to overcome any difficult situation is to keep a positive attitude.  So positive I will be!

Positive.  

Patient.  

Motivated.